Smells Like Yukon Flog

We were so shocked by yesterday’s unprovoked online assault that we couldn’t come up with a reply–at least not before a reader who calls him(her?)self “The Hedgehog” managed to nose his way into the Comments.

If we had been a little quicker off the draw, we might have posted something along the following lines:

1. Your feedack is appreciated–almost as much as your assistance with increasing the number of times the word “porn” appears on our site.
2. Let’s not fight here. Meet you at GayBear in 10 minutes?
3. The failure to deploy your cherished smiley-face emoticon suggests that your comment was submitted in earnest. Please come again!
4. We are saddened to learn of your dislike for the Flog. Others seem to really enjoy it. Just yesterday, a reader named Meembedia dropped by SIX times to say “I have been reading this blog for some time now but never bothered to comment until today. Wanted to let you know that I am a fan and enjoy your work.”
5. If we really wanted to pad the Flog with salacious search terms, don’t you think we’d have made more frequent use of the word dolphin?
6. Sweetheart, let’s try to remember the good times.
7. If we ever receive a cheque from Google Adsense, we’ll eat an entire issue of a certain Yukon entertainment publication. Yes, yes, we know it’s probably healthier than the usual method of consumption, but it’s still pretty unpleasant.

We could have come up with, like, 10 ways, but we have real work to do.

You’d think we’d submitted our request on Wal-Mart letterhead covered in grease stains from McDonald’s. But it was through a polite, albeit last-minute, face-to-face meeting that Smells Like Yukon asked the organizers of the regular Fireweed Community Market if they might be willing, just this once, to relocate the Thursday event from Shipyards Park to Drift Drive in Copper Ridge.

“Give us one good reason,” they said.

Before Mark could answer, they added that a grizzly sow and cubs had recently been spotted in the area.

“So, you already know the reason,” Mark replied, snottily.

That’s when he was asked to leave.

We doubt the Fireweed Market people know or care that they’re prolonging the disappointment of our devoted Grizzly Project audience. They may try to justify their craven decision on the basis of safety concerns, but don’t be fooled: ruthless and naked mercantilism is the force behind the organization’s stance on this issue, as it is on most. In protest, we’re going to take a pass on this week’s visit to the market to enjoy our usual pig-out on Flying Pisces fish and chips.

In a somewhat related note, Mark reports that when he rode Boogaloo on Sunday, hoping to come across a certain special someone along the way, he and his riding companion encountered a black bear and two cubs instead. And no, that’s not code for a large, hairy gay African-American with a pair of midget lovers. We mean real bears.

Indeed, they are out in force this summer.

When Up Here magazine ran a story on nude hiking, none of the northern tourism departments amended the requisite activity lists that appear in their vacation guides or on their websites. Maybe it was the fact that nude hiking just didn’t seem different enough from plain-old hiking to warrant its own category. We understand.

However, we’re waiting anxiously to see how the events that unfolded last week on a not-so secluded hiking / biking trail in Whitehorse will affect Yukon tourism marketing strategies.

Will the Department of Tourism and Yukon Wild finally wake up and realize the HUGE potential in a niche travel market that, as of yet, they have dared not target? In other words, will prospective visitors ever experience the joy of browsing the activity options on the Larger than Life website and laying their bulging eyes on “Wanking” (or some flowery synonym) in a list that already includes very similar pastimes, like golfing? We fear not.

Of course, it’s not just the participants we want to tap into. If we can attract gladhanding exhibitionists in sufficient numbers, we have no doubt that the Yukon will also experience a dramatic rise in visits for “sightseeing” and “wildlife viewing.” Bring on the voyeurs!

Stay tuned for a related disccussion about ways to rejig that “Yukon Gold Explorer’s Passport” promotion that Tourism Yukon went to the trouble to create, but can’t be bothered to write about on its website. (Hence, no link to an explanation.)

Looks like the Grizzly Project may soon be back on track, thanks to an unexpected strategic partnership with GayBear Dating. The partnership arises from the Flog’s undeniably gay vibe, as evidenced by the “gay bear”-related ads that Google has recently been serving on the site.

Although GayBear marketing staff were initially very enthusiastic about the idea of sponsoring the Grizzly Project, that enthusiasm was tempered somewhat when they discovered that the Flog had also broken the news story about a pervert frequenting the hills around Riverdale. This concern was overcome when we reassured GayBear that the handyman appeared to be hetero. (As for his body hair status… eyewitnesses have been reluctant to discuss it.)

Under the terms of the partnership, Smells Like Yukon will do its best to display GayBear Dating advertising on this and all other Grizzly Project-related posts. It will also allow GayBear Dating to use any footage it might acquire of a grizzly bear attacking the Flying Pisces fish and chip stand. There’s also a large cash bonus if the video simply depicts the grizzly bear playfully rocking the trailer. If, on the other hand, Smells Like Yukon is unable to acquire the desired footage, GayBear Dating will provide Smells Like Yukon with the contact information for some of its biggest, hairiest men. It will then be up to us to negotiate the terms under which they’d be willing to attack the Flying Pisces.

In related news, Smells Like Yukon is pleased to announce that it will use any means necessary to enhance the overall gayness of this Flog.

You may have noticed the recent addition of some Google Ads to this Flog. Don’t be too quick to assume this was a crass commercial decision–a “quick” cash grab worth cents every year. In fact, it was all about our editorial desire to offer readers content that might actually be useful.

It’s our understanding that the Google Ads that appear on a site are context sensitive; in other words, Google looks at the content of the site and its pages, and tailors ads based on what it finds. In our case, this would easily explain why most of the ads on the Flog promote Yukon businesses–everything from subscriptions to Yukon magazines to dog sledding adventures.

And then there’s GayBear Dating.

Every now and then, Google serves up an enticing image ad luring Flog readers to “the premier gay hairy men dating site.” As our many, many hairy gay readers will have discovered already, GayBear Dating claims “We dedicate ourselves to those men who have hair on their chest and love that fact. Hairy bears are what we ARE and we are PROUD.”

Now, we can understand where the hairy connection comes in, with all those posts about the Robin Williams hair bunnies that overran our office last week. We can also understand the bear connection, thanks to our ongoing Grizzly Project.

But we have to wonder: What’s so gay about the Flog?

Two of Yukon’s premier brands–What’s Up Yukon and Larger than Life–have recently teamed up to create a Larger than Life Story contest. They’re asking readers to submit stories about–you guessed it–”larger than life” Yukon experiences. The best entries may then be published in What’s Up Yukon or the even more prestigious travelyukon.com website.

Nothing motivates us more than the desire to scoop What’s Up Yukon on a Yukon entertainment story, especially one that’s “larger than life.” So, the Smells Like Yukon Flog is now pleased to break the news of what has to be, hands-down, the summer’s biggest and most excited “larger than life” story.

For the past week, dozens of mountain bikers (and probably some dog walkers and hikers as well) have been treated to the sight of a man, buck naked from the waist down, enthusiastically “relieving” himself on the trails between Riverdale and Grey Mountain, though not in the urinary sense, if you catch our drift.

Now, before you run out and hop on your bike, we have to warn you: this jerk was apparently arrested yesterday, midway through an encore performance for a group of women on a mountain bike skills course.

No doubt, officials in our Department of Tourism would love to spin this incident as the act of a European so turned on by Yukon’s “wilderness” that he simply had to take, um, matters into his own hands. However, it seems to us that even a German can tell the difference between wilderness and a 4X4 trail about one kilometer from Riverdale houses, so it doesn’t seem like that one’s going to fly.

There was also some speculation from one early eyewitness that the object of the handyman’s affections was the red SUV parked closeby in the bush, though this person could not say whether the truck was shaped nicely or sporting a large rack. In any case, this theory (and the related suspicion that the man must be a Yukoner) has since been discredited.

Sadly, it seems our friendly visitor was just your average run-of-the-mill pervert from out of town–possibly some backwater southern State where this kind of thing is frequent in the woods, if not the front lawn of the State Capitol.

Now, we didn’t actually witness these events, so we can hardly claim ownership of this story or the prizes it would surely win if properly recounted from a reliable first-person perspective. But we can put the details out there–and wait hopefully for someone to grab the torch.

The last of the dust/hair bunnies have finally been herded into a temporary containment space in Smells Like Yukon HQ. (If you think your bathroom has a disgusting amount of hair in it, think again.) And while all efforts to train them for use in our Grizzly Project have failed, they appear to have voluntarily organized themselves into an organisim that bears a striking resemblance to movie star Robin Williams. All things considered, this should come as no big surprise. Unfortunately, it insists on re-enacting scenes from License to Wed.

When we heard about this weekend’s Whitehorse Heritage Festival, we thought we’d found a perfect opportunity to dispose of our guest. What better way to commemorate Whitehorse’s heritage than the public display of a life-size hairball in the shape of a famous Hollywood star who once spent some quality time in our community? Well, apparently there are lots of better ways. Needless to say, we’ve decided to boycott the whole event.

Besides, we’d much rather get some free birthday cake to celebrate 50 years of intermittent electrical power in the Yukon.

During our break from Flogging, we didn’t have a chance to check the Smells Like Yukon e-mail account for over a week. As a result, when we returned to the office, we had to deal with the inevitable backlog of incoming messages.

Each and every day, Smells Like Yukon receives, quite literally, a half-dozen, sometimes even a dozen, e-mails from fans and friends all around the world. In between calls to Animal Control to remove the last remnants of Robin Williams from Mark’s house, we’ve been sorting through–and occassionally responding to–all manner of correspondence from this global network. At this point, we’re almost caught up.

We’d be lying if we said that all the e-mails we receive are equally appreciated. For example, we can usually count on our friend Kevin to offer some interesting news or trivia that inevitably finds its way into a Smells Like Yukon segment. But after carefully reading his latest message to determine that it doesn’t involve the husky on the Yukon’s coat of arms or that mummified kitty they found in the Capital Hotel, no one’s sure what we’re supposed to make of Kevin’s announcement that “Dog makes love to cat.”

On the other hand, we do tip our hats to our pal Towiddowson, whose timely promise of “instant results with organ enhancement pills” suggests a Moens-ish inside knowledge of Smells Like Yukon’s future plans. In preparation to pump up the organ in the music tracks of future segments of the Smells Like Yukon radio series, Mark has been spending a lot of time watching The Band’s Chest Fever on YouTube. And while he has so far been enjoying this activity drug-free, he won’t discount the possibility that some chemical assistance might make his research even easier. He’s now looking forward to utilizing the giant package promised by Towiddson.

We’ve got a lot of other interesting correspondence we’d like to share, but it’ll have to wait. Animal Control has just pulled up again….

The film crew has finally vacated the premises, so we’re back on the job, bringing you the smelliest, Yukonest Flog of any editorial board North of 60. Sadly, working conditions have deteriorated in our absence.

When we first heard about his plan to rent the house as a film location, we asked–no, begged–Mark to watch Moscow on the Hudson before signing the contract with the producers. He didn’t listen. As a result, he clearly failed to understand the importance of demanding the inclusion of the industry-standard Robin Williams Body Hair Removal Rider in the legal paperwork. Which means that rather than focusing on producing quality Flog for the Smells Like Yukon community, we now find ourselves fending off wave after wave of attack by a breed of dust bunny we don’t care to describe.

However, we’re hoping some good might eventually come of this mess. If we could just herd enough of little bunnies into something much bigger and fiercer looking, then we could set it loose on the Flying Pisces fish stand and bring our underwhelming Grizzly Project to the triumphant conclusion that everybody’s been waiting for.

Mark has rented the SLY office / house out to the producers of The Bigger Whiter, sequel to the hit film The Big White, which was partially filmed in Whitehorse a few years ago. As a result, the Flog will be out of commission for a week or more.

We don’t have all the plot details, but it’s our understanding that in this film, rather than trying to pull an implausible insurance scam to get the money to help his Tourette’s-afflicted wife leave the snow-bound hell of Alaska, the character played by Robin Williams will take an easier approach and simply try to move several keys of cocaine during one zany summer. Not surprisingly, the script calls for several scenes in a “drug house,” which are suddenly in shorter supply after the recent demolition of 810 Wheeler in Old Town. We’re confident that no drugs are moved let alone consumed from Mark’s house, so we can only assume our HQ was chosen as the drug house location because someone came away with the wrong impression after seeing Mark’s toddler playing in the yard after one too many fruit popsicles.

While the film’s producers were hoping Mark and his family would leave during the upcoming shoot, he’s planning to stick around–apparently, in the hopes that he’ll get a shot at a cameo as the autistic brother of Holly Hunter’s character. He’ll also have his hands full trying to keep the recent squirrel activity in his yard from becoming a problem for the crew. For inspiration, he’s rented Caddyshack and intends to watch it at least once a day until it either ceases to be funny… or he blows up his entire yard.