Smells Like Yukon Flog

As some of you may be aware, the Smells Like Yukon Flog was recently accused of manipulating content to attract unsavoury high-yield Google ads.

We now wish to vigorously defend Smells Like Yukon against these outrageous allegations. And, honestly, we don’t care how many low-cost prescriptions for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Yohimbine or any other erectile dysfunction pharmaceuticals it takes to get the job done.

First off, let us emphasize that the Flog is written primarily for our own entertainment. It’s also used to disseminate (pardon the keyword) the occasional bit of news about the Smells Like Yukon radio series. As a result, the Flog receives only a handful of visitors every day—mostly from the Whitehorse Correctional Centre, mental asylums in southern Canada, confused Bulgarians, and YTG employees. If the Accuser (hereinafter “Silly Old Men”) believes that the Flog receives enough traffic—and stupid click-happy traffic, at that—to make the publishing of Google Ads (pornographic or otherwise) a profitable venture, he is sorely mistaken.

Furthermore, we were not even aware that Google Adsense serves pornographic ads—and, upon investigation, have been unable to confirm that this is so. In any case, we think Silly Old Men will be challenged to find any porn ads on this site.

We should also clarify that it was never our intention to attract pornographic ads. Rather, we were trying to attract ads for dating sites targeting hairy gay men. (If Silly Old Men can’t distinguish the difference between “porn” and “gay,” there’s not much we can do about that.) We did this not because we had any sense of the lucrative nature of clicks on text ads related to the romantic lives of hairy gay men, but because the idea amused us. Also, we found the man on the GayBear homepage kind of sexy.

While we’re at it, we might as well re-state for the record that we are NOT—and never have been—paid to blog about our acclaimed Grizzly Project. In fact, we think the owner of the Flying Pisces would probably be happier if we cancelled the project altogether. He’s scared of bears. And we mean the real ones, not the ones that seem to get Silly Old Men so hot and bothered. Nor, we might add, are we motivated by financial concerns to blog ad nauseum on other nonsensical subjects.

The shocking truth is, content (if not substance) always trumps commercial considerations when it comes to the Flog. We know this may seem hard to believe, especially for Silly Old Men who have no shame about flagrantly shilling all manner of schlocky electronics, travel deals, online get-rich schemes and other garbage through their blog posts. But that’s the way it is.

Perhaps Silly Old Men will read this explanation and find it wanting. Alas, what are Silly Old Men to do?

Well, we’ve now posted a warning that will hopefully keep them from stumbling too deep into the disgusting quagmire that is the Flog. But for those Silly Old Men who just can’t help themselves, we suggest you simply read the Flog with quiet contempt—you know, like everyone else.

You’d think we’d submitted our request on Wal-Mart letterhead covered in grease stains from McDonald’s. But it was through a polite, albeit last-minute, face-to-face meeting that Smells Like Yukon asked the organizers of the regular Fireweed Community Market if they might be willing, just this once, to relocate the Thursday event from Shipyards Park to Drift Drive in Copper Ridge.

“Give us one good reason,” they said.

Before Mark could answer, they added that a grizzly sow and cubs had recently been spotted in the area.

“So, you already know the reason,” Mark replied, snottily.

That’s when he was asked to leave.

We doubt the Fireweed Market people know or care that they’re prolonging the disappointment of our devoted Grizzly Project audience. They may try to justify their craven decision on the basis of safety concerns, but don’t be fooled: ruthless and naked mercantilism is the force behind the organization’s stance on this issue, as it is on most. In protest, we’re going to take a pass on this week’s visit to the market to enjoy our usual pig-out on Flying Pisces fish and chips.

In a somewhat related note, Mark reports that when he rode Boogaloo on Sunday, hoping to come across a certain special someone along the way, he and his riding companion encountered a black bear and two cubs instead. And no, that’s not code for a large, hairy gay African-American with a pair of midget lovers. We mean real bears.

Indeed, they are out in force this summer.

Looks like the Grizzly Project may soon be back on track, thanks to an unexpected strategic partnership with GayBear Dating. The partnership arises from the Flog’s undeniably gay vibe, as evidenced by the “gay bear”-related ads that Google has recently been serving on the site.

Although GayBear marketing staff were initially very enthusiastic about the idea of sponsoring the Grizzly Project, that enthusiasm was tempered somewhat when they discovered that the Flog had also broken the news story about a pervert frequenting the hills around Riverdale. This concern was overcome when we reassured GayBear that the handyman appeared to be hetero. (As for his body hair status… eyewitnesses have been reluctant to discuss it.)

Under the terms of the partnership, Smells Like Yukon will do its best to display GayBear Dating advertising on this and all other Grizzly Project-related posts. It will also allow GayBear Dating to use any footage it might acquire of a grizzly bear attacking the Flying Pisces fish and chip stand. There’s also a large cash bonus if the video simply depicts the grizzly bear playfully rocking the trailer. If, on the other hand, Smells Like Yukon is unable to acquire the desired footage, GayBear Dating will provide Smells Like Yukon with the contact information for some of its biggest, hairiest men. It will then be up to us to negotiate the terms under which they’d be willing to attack the Flying Pisces.

In related news, Smells Like Yukon is pleased to announce that it will use any means necessary to enhance the overall gayness of this Flog.

The film crew has finally vacated the premises, so we’re back on the job, bringing you the smelliest, Yukonest Flog of any editorial board North of 60. Sadly, working conditions have deteriorated in our absence.

When we first heard about his plan to rent the house as a film location, we asked–no, begged–Mark to watch Moscow on the Hudson before signing the contract with the producers. He didn’t listen. As a result, he clearly failed to understand the importance of demanding the inclusion of the industry-standard Robin Williams Body Hair Removal Rider in the legal paperwork. Which means that rather than focusing on producing quality Flog for the Smells Like Yukon community, we now find ourselves fending off wave after wave of attack by a breed of dust bunny we don’t care to describe.

However, we’re hoping some good might eventually come of this mess. If we could just herd enough of little bunnies into something much bigger and fiercer looking, then we could set it loose on the Flying Pisces fish stand and bring our underwhelming Grizzly Project to the triumphant conclusion that everybody’s been waiting for.

Yesterday morning, Stephane Aucoin, owner of the Flying Pisces fish and chip stand, was seen sprawled out on the pavement under his trailer. At first, we thought he was sneaking a little pull from the used oil reservoir (vegetable, not motor). But then we discovered that he was trying to fix the grey water pipe, which, he said, had been damaged on the trip back from the Atlin Arts & Music Festival.

Suddenly, we told ourselves “The dream is alive.”

Maybe, just maybe, we thought, the weekend’s Grizzly Project efforts weren’t a complete bust after all. Perhaps some intrepid grizzly, realizing that the Pisces had run low on fish in Atlin but would soon be returning to Whitehorse (where huge stocks of fish run wild and free in the freezers of the Wharf on Fourth) had decided to hitch a ride. We all know it’s humanly possible to travel great distances while clinging to the undercarriage of a vehicle; Robert Mitchum, Robert De Niro and Kelsey Grammer all did it in versions of the movie Cape Fear. And we also know that bears are much stronger than humans. So, it doesn’t seem entirely crazy to assume that an ingenious grizzly–whereabouts currently unknown–managed to make the trip back to Whitehorse beneath the trailer. The other option, of course, is that the bruin got bounced off somewhere along the Atlin Road, whose rough condition would then expose the Yukon government to fresh accusations of animal abuse.

At any rate, this experience has taught me never to give up on a dream. We’re now eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Yukon government’s new brochure on “How to Keep Bears Out of Your Yard.” Sure, we’d be a lot more excited if it was a brochure called “How to Keep Bears Away from Your Fish Stand,” but we’ll take what we can get. Assuming this literature arrives in our mailbox as promised, we’ll be reading it very closely–and doing exactly the opposite of everything it recommends for a grizzly-free environment.

It must be a good year for salmon on the Taku River, because we could see no evidence of grizzly activity in the vicinity of the Flying Pisces fish and chip stand at the Atlin Arts & Music Festival over the weekend. Even the six gallons of bacon grease we slathered all over the trailer’s exterior didn’t seem to do the trick.
At any rate, we’re all optimistic that this week could be a turning point for the Grizzly Project. Mark has heard several reports of a grizzly sow (possibly with cubs) in the vicinity of Chadburn Lake and the Yukon River trail in recent weeks. And while no one at the Department of Environment has returned his messages requesting that conservation officers be dispatched to track, dart and relocate the mama bear to First and Main during a weekday lunch rush, he’s pretty sure it’s just because every bureaucrat in the territory is on holidays right now.Then again, the non-response could also have something to do with Mark’s other request: to have the COs drop the cubs off at his place, all because he’s too cheap to buy his daughter a puppy.

Life in the Yukon has always been boom or bust–and that probably applies to government regulation, as well. It seems we’re either suffering from too much or too little. And that point was really reinforced this morning at the Riverdale house that doubles as Smells Like Yukon’s corporate headquarters.

Only two months ago, Yukon’s Occupational Health and Safety watchdogs sat idly by as a local contractor lobbed large projectiles from the Hamilton Boulevard extension into the living room of a trailer in Lobird. Today, the government’s storm troopers have closed down our workplace for safety violations. The culprit? Believe it or not, a hyperactive squirrel in a tree outside the small room where we toil away to bring you Smells Like Yukon.

We believe the problem began when Mark forgot to replenish the bird feeder’s usual supply of qualudes and grain. The situation was exacerbated, of course, by his refusal to purchase a push broom and simply sweep the deck clear of the dangerious debris. It’s bad enough that the gaphics on the Season Two Wrap-Up Poll give us seizures every timewe view the results. Should we be forced to suffer a near-deadly ankle-twist while visiting the deck for a morning beer and smoke? If this incident hasn’t taught Mark a valuable lesson, then maybe the fact that Social Services is now on its way to take his two year-old daughter into protective custody will finally do the trick.

At any rate, this means we’re all off until further notice. We know, the timing couldn’t be worse, with the campaign to rescue General Al-Kuzbari from a Syrian jail just getting started. But hopefully, the deck will soon be cleaned up and the offending squirrel, if not Mark, will be brought to justice for the inexcusable violations.

In the meantime, some of us are getting a head start on the trip to the Atlin Arts & Music Festival, where we’ll be combining some Grizzly Project related business with some good old fashioned foot-stompin’ fun.