Smells Like Yukon Flog

If you heard the B&R radio segment, you might remember our anonymous informant’s outrageous claims about the harsh treatment of Yukon News reporters who have gotten too close to uncovering the B&R conspiracy. But, as terrifying as the punishment may have sounded, we were pretty sure we could come up with a few alternatives that were even more frighteningly creative. Now, we just need your help to narrow the choices down in the latest Smells Like Yukon poll.

And if you’re wondering about the current results in our previous poll about the laziness of Yukoners (you know, the one we asked you not to vote in), it’s currently a dead heat between Andrew Robulack’s robot fetish and a tumbler full of barf. If you have no idea what that means, consider yourself lucky.

Thanks to yesterday’s prolonged and intermittent Internet outage, Mark suddenly found himself in a position to be even less productive than he normally is. He spent part of the day going through the audio archives from segments past and selected a couple of new outtakes and deleted sounds from the “Designer Guise” segment that kicked off the current season of Smells Like Yukon. In case you’re not keeping track, the newly added outtakes are “Flat Screen & Bug Dope” and “Long Sweet Clip.”

This weekend, we’ll be adding some new outtakes from our second segment of the season “Hip Check.” You can look forward to some never-before-heard comments from Go! host Brent Bambury and his production team.

Finally, the current online poll has been updated with yet another new option. We’re now up to 13. Please remember not to vote.

First of all, let’s be clear about one thing: Smells Like Yukon has NOT initiated coverage of the local mud wrestling circuit. Rather, we’re heralding the update of our current online poll about the alleged laziness of Yukoners with a requisite reference to Yukon MP Larry Bagnell. We’re also informing those of you who voted (against our explicit instructions, we might add) that the Andrew Robulack option was running away with the lead on both occasions before we went in and ruthlessly reset the votes back to 0. Given Larry’s power at the polling booth,we think you can now look forward to a close race between him and Andrew. We’re betting on a dead heat–something along the lines of 0-0.

Oh, you contranian types. Why must you zag when we say “zig”? Did we not specifically tell you to look at, but under no circumstances vote in, our online poll about the laziness of Yukoners? Yes, we did.

And yet, we couldn’t help but notice that our strict instructions had been disobeyed no less than six times, if not by six voters. Can’t you recognize and appreciate the poor optics of having people actually vote in a poll designed to highlight our collective sloth? It’s almost as if you’re trying to make us look bad. In some ways, it even reminds us of Mayor Buckway’s determination to “prove Smells Like Yukon wrong” on the legacy of all those pumpkins that Brooks recycled into outerwear for the Canada Winter Games volunteers.

Fortunately, as we were adding three new disturbing and/or disgusting options, we were able to reset the poll back to 0. Please don’t make us do it again.

Our latest poll–related to the “Men of Action / Lazy River” radio segment–is now live on the Smells Like Yukon website, including one brand-new never-before-seen option. That brings the total number of options to five. It’s our hope to slowly add to this total so that we can boast our usual 20+ options by the end of the month.

Given the subject matter of the poll–the laziness of Yukoners–we think it will be marginally acceptable for you to visit the poll and read the options. However, under no circumstances should any Yukoner actually attempt to vote. If you don’t already know this, let me spell it out for you: there are NO government incentives or funding programs for voting in a Smells Like Yukon online poll.

We repeat: NO GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE!

Click here to look at, but not vote in, the latest Smells Like Yukon online poll.

One of the regular Smells Like Yukon site features that we haven’t been able to update is the online poll. We were all prepared to let you choose the best from over 20 possible ways to punish Yukon News reporters who get too close to the “The Truth,” but the mix-up in CBC segments turned that theme into a temporary dead end. As hard as we’ve struggled to compile a poll related to the laziness theme explored in the latest segment “Men of Action / Lazy River,” we just haven’t been able to get our act together.

Now, there are two schools of thought about Smells Like Yukon’s online polls. There are those who believe that the Government of Yukon relies heavily on our polling data when devoloping policy in any number of areas. We know this thanks to the fine research done by the Political Science department at Yukon College. The other, less credible school of thought maintains that our polls are just pointless exercises in list-making that offer no real incentives for anyone to actually vote–and therefore provide no useful data from which our political leaders, or anyone else, can draw when formulating public policy.

No matter which school of thought you subscribe to, we’re hoping you might be able to help us play catch up on our polling initiatives by suggesting some of the top signs that Yukoners are getting lazier.

To get the ball rolling, we offer the first four:

1. Radio “journalists” reduce output of silly segments from bi-weekly to monthly

2. CBC morning show broadcasts segment about laziness in 7:15 a.m. time slot, but no one is awake to listen.

3. Yukon’s most famous artist can’t be bothered to include facial features on people in his paintings.

4. Tourism Yukon changes slogan from “Larger than Life” to “No trespassing.”

Earlier today, we invited you to take advantage of your last opportunity to cast your ballot in the current online poll. After that, you’ll still be able to vote in that poll–it just won’t be current. So hurry.

We understand, however, that this kind of free-wheelin’ democracy might not be your cup of chai, so here’s another suggestion: seize this final chance chance to enter our caption contest. We actually have a few entries this time around, so you might have to “think” in order to “win.” If “thinking” isn’t your strong suit, forget about entering the caption contest and just return to the website tomorrow to help us determine the winner.

Oh, except that would involve that whole democratic process that you don’t like. So never mind.

How many times has your vote helped to elect some government or 6th grade class president who subsequently went crazy with power? And how many times have you wished you could have a “do-over?” You know, a chance to go back, change your vote and possibly the fate of the world? Probably lots, especially if you live in the States.

Now, try to rememeber the last time that government or despotic gradeschooler selflessly re-opened the polls to grant you a second chance. It never happens.

This is just one reason why Smells Like Yukon is better than democracy. Just in time for the weekend cold snap, we’re happy to announce that all our online polls have been reopened in perpetuity.

Why, we asked ourselves, should we deny the democratic rights of those who never had a chance to vote the first time around? More importantly, we wanted to give everyone else the opportunity to reconsider their stupid choices.

For example, do you truly respect Larry Bagnell more than the guy who drives a honey bucket? Is writing a nasty letter to the editor really the best way to fend off a vicious attack by a plushy on a rampage? And if vomiting on Main Street was your favourite Yukon extreme sport last spring, have you matured enough to change your answer to “radio bingo?” We’d like to know.

Well, the results from the Smells Like Yukon poll about how to make Whitehorse more hip are finally in, and the overwhelming weight of opinion points towards a clothing optional policy on the Waterfront Trolley as the best bet. That sounds pretty scary, especially if the policy is extended to tourists. Let me tell you, sitting in an RV for 275 days a year does NOT do a body good, especially when that body belongs to a 70 year-old shuffle-boarding slob from the American sunbelt. Thank God at least a few respondents had the good sense to agree that blinging up Mayor Buckway would be the less stomach-churning option for enhancing Whitehorse’s street cred within the global village of cool.

In conjunction with this morning’s broadcast of the most recent segment, “The Barstools of Utopia,” Smells Like Yukon’s polling department has now turned its attentions to the daunting challenge of making a roadmap to Yukon as utopia. Or, Yutopia, if you prefer.

As usual, there are a whole bunch of options for you to choose from. But we’re also issuing an appeal for fans of Smells Like Yukon–and, even more so, people who think it’s stupid–to send in their suggestions for addition to the list of options, for which there is apparently no limit. The main reason, in case you’re interested, is because Smells Like Yukon co-producer Mark Koepke, who gets tired of having to come up with all the options, has no one but himself to blame when they really suck. And if you know anything about Mark, you know that he’d rather blame someone else.

Suggestions can be submitted through the comment form for this entry or by e-mail using the link on the poll page of Smells Like Yukon.

Well, according to the “expert” sources featured in today’s Smells Like Yukon segment “Hip Check”, the City of Whitehorse is actually hip. Go figure.

Now that it’s official, we Whitehorsians run the obvious risk of complacency. But we must not sit back and rest on our laurels. We must not stop innovating in the whole hipness realm. We must not hole up in Titan Gaming & Collectibles and let the golden ring slip from our grasp. If we do, the next thing you know, Yellowknife will be breathing down our necks. Heaven forbid.

So, as a public service, Smells Like Yukon has struggled to come up with, like, 24 brilliant suggestions about how the City of Whitehorse could make itself even hipper—and one more suggestion that involves Larry Bagnell, because Larry hates to be left out.

Your mission—if you’re willing to accept it—is to help narrow the options down. The sad reality is, we can’t implement them all; the City has limited resources these days, in case you haven’t heard. Voting once, or often, is the least you can do as a proud Whitehorse citizen. And if you can think of a better suggestion, send it in and we’ll see what we can doing about putting it on the list.

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