Smells Like Yukon Flog

On Wednesday, the airing of Smells Like Yukon’s final segment of the season heralded the arrival of summer (sorry about the two-week delay). And now, it is with pleasure–well, not so much pleasure as a misguided sense of obligation–that we herald the publication of the Smells Like Yukon Season 2 Wrap-Up Poll.

Yes, it’s your big chance to vote for your favourite story of the past season. This year, the story that receives the most votes will be invited back for a future “All-Stars” season, while the story with the fewest votes will be personally fired by BC billionaire Jim Pattison. Assuming you’re not blinded by the graphic on the poll’s webpage, we hope you’ll vote at least once to help us separate the wheat from the chaff–or the chaff from the chaffier, if that’s how you want to look at it.

We have to say, we’re really fond of this poll. First, because it’s super-easy to put together. And second, because it’s the one occasion during the year when Smells Like Yukon really indulges itself….

Blame it on the commodity boom.

Due to the rising cost of fodder, the Smells Like Yukon Online Poll has not been updated in conjunction with the latest segment “Into the Mild.” Going forward, we’ll be updating the poll on a monthly basis, along with the caption contest. Of course, we’ll understand if you turn elsewhere when you want to take the pulse of Yukon opinion. May we recommend the morgue? Do we even have a morgue?

To cushion the inevitable disappointment, Smells Like Yukon is pleased to present “Wild Thing,” a full-length interview with James McCullough, who was featured in this morning’s segment on CBC North. You’ll also find an assortment of outtakes and deleted sounds.

After more than two months off the air, Smells Like Yukon returned this morning with the first of three segments to complete the current season. As usual, you’ll find details about this morning’s story “New & Improved” in the Segment Guide. If that’s not enough, you can read more on the segment’s Behind the Sounds page, which includes the script, three outtakes and almost no additional information with any redeeming value.

On the other hand, we strongly encourage you to participate in our new online poll. For the first time ever, it may have a practical application.

A new caption contest will be posted later in the week. We’ll actually have some prizes for this one.

Lastly, set your alarms for June 4 and 18. Those are the dates when the final two segments of Smells Like Yukon are scheduled to air on CBC. Production is currently underway.

Before reading this, we recommend that anyone taking heart medication have a few pills and a glass of water close at hand.

If you haven’t been paying attention–and we assume this is the case–you may not be aware that the next segment of Smells Like Yukon is the last one scheduled to air on CBC this season.

Now might be a good time to swallow those pills.

Need another moment to absorb the shock?

No problem.

Alright, dammit, that’s enough time. It’s only a stupid radio segment, you know.

If you still can’t get over it, we suggest you try one of those nifty portable defibrillators. Or maybe the following clarification will help put your heart and mind at ease….

Before Jesse bolted for warmer climes last October, he and Mark were only able to complete seven segments for the current season. However, Jesse’s days of freedom are rapidly drawing to a close; he’ll be returning to the Smells Like Yukon Correctional Facility in late March. At the time of Jesse’s departure, the plan was to produce at least three more segments to complete the season–one for each of April, May and June. Now, we know Jesse has visited a few monasteries in his travels, so we can’t say for sure that he hasn’t shaved his head and found a religion that precludes involvement in anything as spiritually bankrupt as Smells Like Yukon. But we’re operating on the assumption that the plan remains intact and a new segment will air at some point in April, though it’s highly unlikely that this will occur in the usual Smells Like Yukon timeslot on the first Wednesday of the month.

Bottom line: you’d better enjoy the next segment because you won’t hear a new one for a while. Fortunately, this one will pack enough dramatic content to carry you through well into spring. If you don’t believe it, just read the following synopsis:

In the novel Remembrance of Things Past, an excerpt of which Mark discovers on the Internet, French writer Marcel Proust offers a moving description of the evocative power of smell. Finding no need to ever mention this inspiration, Mark and Jesse embark on a quest to produce a radio documentary about the smell that really says “Yukon.” After a brief flirtation with a related get-rich-quick scheme, they enlist the help of a local aroma therapist to make the Yukon the first Canadian jurisdiction with an official odour. And, no, it isn’t dog doodle.

This segment is scheduled to air on CBC Yukon tomorrow–Wednesday, March 5–sometime between 7:00 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. PST. If necessary, you can use the link on the Smells Like Yukon homepage to hear the segment live on CBC’s internet radio.

As usual, the official Smells Like Yukon website will be updated with content related to the new segment. Online features include music details, audio outtakes, behind the sounds gossip, and a bunch of other stuff. As of today, the previous segment “Knock It Off” is now available for online listening to Members in good standing.

In the meantime, we highly recommend that you take this last opportunity to vote in our current online poll about the post-retirement plans of the malamute husky on the Yukon’s Coat of Arms. But if voting requires more work than you can handle, then whatever you do, don’t submit an entry for Caption Contest #13. Right now, we’ve only got one entry, uncontested; any additional entries will only trigger online voting in a democratic process that has the potential to leave Hillary Clinton crushed beyond her wildest fears.

Does anyone know how to block server traffic from a specific geographic location? Like Taiwan?

Someone—or some group—from the little island that drives China wild is so fanatically dedicated to Matthew Lien that they return time after time to our 2008 Strategic Resolutions Poll in order to diabolically skew the results away from what would otherwise be the clear popular choice: “Make fun of Matthew Lien.”

The fact that these hacker-types attempt to achieve their goal by always voting for Smells Like Yukon to “just give up” in the coming year only underscores that they’re too lazy to raise their game. If it was us, we’d redouble—or maybe retriple or even requadruple—our efforts to jack up the vote count for EVERYTHING except for “Make fun of Matthew Lien.” This might make it easier for other voters to help ourcause.

But, really, what are you Asian fanatics so worried about? We haven’t decided if we even want to make fun of Matthew Lien yet, or how we’d go about it if we did. So our advice to you is to relax—or we may be forced to add “Join Matthew Lien’s squad of Taiwanese online attack dogs” to the list of options in our “Every Dog Has Its Day Poll.”

Which reminds us: We’d like to tell prospective contestants that the winner of Caption Contest #13 will receive, in the mail via Canada Post, a unique signed first edition print of the sentence that was too crude for publication in the aforementioned poll.

Now there’s an incentive that’s hard to ignore.

No, it wasn’t enough that we created the poorly-maintained and seldom visited Smells Like Yukon Scratch n ‘ Sniff Photo Gallery or the Subvert Smells Like Yukon Alternative Gameswear Where? Gallery.

Smells Like Yukon is now pleased to announce the somewhat less than Grand Opening of its new Dog Gone Yukon Coat of Arms gallery in the Smells Like Yukon Digital Scrapbook. Inspired by the most recent Smells Like Yukon segment “Knock It Off,” the goal of the gallery is to give Yukoners a glimpse of their future–symbolically speaking–without a husky on the Coat of Arms. There are only two images there right now, but since it’s damn easy to mock these things up, you can actually expect to see a rapidly expanding number of exhibits.

And on that topic, we’re wondering if there are any DINKish Yukoners out there who a) own a Pathfinder with a roof rack (Thule preferred) b) work for YTG and c) have a photograph of yourselves that you’re just dying to see slapped on top of Yukon’s Coat of Arms. Oh, and there’s one more criteria: please make sure you’re at least as attractive as an inbred dog. If you’re not sure, ask someone.

We’d also be happy to entertain any other suggestions for Coat of Arms mash-ups. If you have an image, send it. If you just have an idea–and it better be dumb–send that our way and we’ll see what we can do.

And finally… one of the options in the most recent online poll about the husky’s retirement plans involved a move to Nunavut. In case you were having trouble picturing this, we’ve now solved that problem for you.

Never complain that we don’t care.

Well, we knew it would happen. As soon as this morning’s new Smells Like Yukon segment “Knock It Off” aired on CBC, officials from the Yukon Quest were on the phone to register their bitter protest that we would dare to harm even one hair on the Yukon Coat of Arms’ husky dog–and just days before this year’s race is about to start. We expect that Tourism Yukon and perhaps the Yukon’s Commissioner may have similar complaints, but we’ve taken the phone off the hook.

On the upside, Alaska governer Sara Palin did Skype us to discuss the intriguing possibility of replacing the malamute husky with an Alaskan husky–or possibly a section of pipe. Discussions are ongoing.

As usual, we have released a new online poll related to the segment. It suggests about 20 great activities that the Yukon’s malamute might focus on in its “retirement” days. But what will really grab you is the absence of one suggestion that was simply too risque and controversial to publish.

The Behind the Sounds features for “Knock It Off” have also been posted to the site. This includes a rambling essay about dogs, a segment script, and several outtakes, including a candid heart-to-heart between Mark and his father.
As if all this wasn’t enough, you can cast your votes for the winner of Caption Contest #12. The polls will remain open until Friday morning, at which point we hope to have a clear Democratic winner that all Republicans can then proceed to rally against in the most malicious ways imaginable.

Good day.

Alright, prepare to be teased. Not a lot, just a little. But certainly enough to make it worth your while, especially if you’re chained to a cubicle at YTG.

Now, if you’ve been paying a bit of attention, you’ll know that the first Smells Like Yukon segment, which aired about a year ago, chronicled Mark and Jesse’s efforts to give the husky dog on Yukon’s Coat of Arms a personality makeover on the occasion of its 50th birthday. But if you’re not paying enough attention, you might jump to the conclusion that tomorrow’s segment is just a rerun of that original piece. And you’d be mistaken.

What actually happens is that Jesse and Mark revisit that first segment and entertain the possibility that they were wrong to toy with the beloved husky on Yukon’s Coat of Arms. What they should have done was knock that dog right off its pedestal—and replace it with a more modern symbol of Yukon life. Fired up with a new determination, the pair then canvasses opinion from a ridiculously small sample size of Yukoners, which eventually results in a visit to the local brewery. It isn’t long before they’re willing to ignore their exhaustive research and proclaim their own choice to replace the husky. You can blame it on the beer. Mark and Jesse prefer to call it “genius.”

This segment is scheduled to air on CBC Yukon tomorrow–Wednesday, February 6–sometime between 7:00 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. PST. If necessary, you can use the link on the Smells Like Yukon homepage to hear the segment live on CBC’s internet radio.

As usual, the official Smells Like Yukon website will be updated with content related to the new segment. Online features include music details, audio outtakes, behind the sounds gossip, and a bunch of other stuff. As of today, the previous segment “B&R” is now available for online listening to Members in good standing.

In the meantime, we highly recommend that you take this last opportunity to vote in our current online poll about the best way to punish naughty Yukon News reporters who get too close to the Truth about the B&R conspiracy that controls the Yukon.

Consider yourselves teased.

We’re a month into our online poll about Smells Like Yukon’s Strategic Resolutions for 2008 and a battle of titanic proportions is still underway.

On the one hand, there’s the overwhelming majority of Voters Other Than Mark, which seems to feel that Smells Like Yukon should “just give up”–whatever that means. On the other hand, well… there’s Mark. Let’s just say he’s kept a pretty keen watch on the voting results and hasn’t been afraid to press his clicking finger into action to skew the results. And it’s not just to protect his job; it’s because he really believes his choice is better. As we enter the stretch during which 2008 Strategic Resolutions poll moves quickly from irrelevance to greater irrelevance, we’re looking at a race every bit as nail-biting as the Democratic presidential primaries in the United States. Not to mention that there’s far more at stake.

Judging by the responses to the poll, it’s also abundantly clear that Matthew Lien has been frequenting the Smells Like Yukon website. How else can you explain the multiple votes for “Beg Matthew Lien for job as opening act on his next tour of Taiwan”? Clearly, someone has decided that a trip to Asia just isn’t complete without Jesse and Mark in his carry-on luggage. Well, if Matthew wants them on his next tour so badly, why doesn’t he just call and ask, rather than waste his time trying to communicate indirectly through some some stupid poll.
Of course, not every voter has Matthew’s ultra-sensitive disposition. At least one person–not content to simply advise SLY to “just give up”–has hedged his or her bets by suggesting we invest in a huge inventory of Smells Like Yukon branded swag that no one will ever purchase. Nice try, whoever you are, but we’re afraid it will take more than bankruptcy to close this circus down.

We should add that our other current poll on the best way to punish Yukon News reporters who get too close to the Truth is also on the verge of being displaced by a brand new poll–but it would certainly be nice if it could be put out to pasture with at least one vote for something.

Surely, there must be some twisted reader out there who can dream of nothing more titillating than Matthew Grant and Chris Oke enjoying a friendly tickle fight with Yukon MP Larry Bagnell.

Or is it just us?

As Yukoners are well aware, Smells Like Yukon may be the best hope for saving the territory–you know, should it ever need saving–but there’s only so much we can do. That’s why we’re asking our faithful listeners and readers to assist us in the monumental task of bringing some focus to our long short-list of ambitious priorities for the future.

Please, take a moment to review our Draft 2008 Strategic Resolutions and let us know where you think we should focus our efforts in the coming year and probably beyond, assuming we’re not dumb or drunk enough to find ourselves in another strategic resolutions session anytime soon….