Smells Like Yukon Flog

As some of you may be aware, the Smells Like Yukon Flog was recently accused of manipulating content to attract unsavoury high-yield Google ads.

We now wish to vigorously defend Smells Like Yukon against these outrageous allegations. And, honestly, we don’t care how many low-cost prescriptions for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Yohimbine or any other erectile dysfunction pharmaceuticals it takes to get the job done.

First off, let us emphasize that the Flog is written primarily for our own entertainment. It’s also used to disseminate (pardon the keyword) the occasional bit of news about the Smells Like Yukon radio series. As a result, the Flog receives only a handful of visitors every day—mostly from the Whitehorse Correctional Centre, mental asylums in southern Canada, confused Bulgarians, and YTG employees. If the Accuser (hereinafter “Silly Old Men”) believes that the Flog receives enough traffic—and stupid click-happy traffic, at that—to make the publishing of Google Ads (pornographic or otherwise) a profitable venture, he is sorely mistaken.

Furthermore, we were not even aware that Google Adsense serves pornographic ads—and, upon investigation, have been unable to confirm that this is so. In any case, we think Silly Old Men will be challenged to find any porn ads on this site.

We should also clarify that it was never our intention to attract pornographic ads. Rather, we were trying to attract ads for dating sites targeting hairy gay men. (If Silly Old Men can’t distinguish the difference between “porn” and “gay,” there’s not much we can do about that.) We did this not because we had any sense of the lucrative nature of clicks on text ads related to the romantic lives of hairy gay men, but because the idea amused us. Also, we found the man on the GayBear homepage kind of sexy.

While we’re at it, we might as well re-state for the record that we are NOT—and never have been—paid to blog about our acclaimed Grizzly Project. In fact, we think the owner of the Flying Pisces would probably be happier if we cancelled the project altogether. He’s scared of bears. And we mean the real ones, not the ones that seem to get Silly Old Men so hot and bothered. Nor, we might add, are we motivated by financial concerns to blog ad nauseum on other nonsensical subjects.

The shocking truth is, content (if not substance) always trumps commercial considerations when it comes to the Flog. We know this may seem hard to believe, especially for Silly Old Men who have no shame about flagrantly shilling all manner of schlocky electronics, travel deals, online get-rich schemes and other garbage through their blog posts. But that’s the way it is.

Perhaps Silly Old Men will read this explanation and find it wanting. Alas, what are Silly Old Men to do?

Well, we’ve now posted a warning that will hopefully keep them from stumbling too deep into the disgusting quagmire that is the Flog. But for those Silly Old Men who just can’t help themselves, we suggest you simply read the Flog with quiet contempt—you know, like everyone else.

Well, the sun is setting on Zola’s Cafe Dore on Whitehorse’s main drag–and by that, we mean Main Street, not that little strip of road that runs between Ricky’s and the Chilkoot Centre.

As the local CBC reported this week, the popular coffee shop–which was only opened a few years ago–has succumbed to increased competition in the downtown area and will close at the end of the month. By our calculations, that’s tomorrow.

In an interview on A New Day, cafe owner and renowned coffee roaster Zola Dore (sorry, we can’t be bothered with those little Frenchy accent things) didn’t single out a certain well-known chain store as the culprit, but Smells Like Yukon could certainly listen between the lines.

As far back as 2005, Mark and Jesse could see there was just no way Zola’s could continue to compete with Envirolube, where they offer free coffee in the waiting room. As you might have heard in the first radio story he ever worked on, Mark has always maintained that the best coffee in town comes as a side dish with a quick oil change. And now, he has clearly been vindicated.

With this in mind, we suggest that the other Main Street-area coffee shops–Baked, Starbucks, Tim Hortons, Chocolate Claim and Java Connection–had better smarten up and finally take this Envirolube threat seriously. Ignore its coffee at your peril.

But, much like the java at Envirolube, this moral victory is bittersweet for Mark. Zola’s coffee was pretty good, too, and even he’s going to miss it.

Two days after the airing of the controversial “New & Improved” radio segment, the repercussions are still being felt. CBC Yukon’s Roch Shannon Fraser is humbled and contrite. CBC China’s Anthony Germain is accusing us of stealing his schtick. CBC Go’s Brent Bambury has asked us to stop dropping his name. And, just yesterday, one angry local listener released a 16-foot Burmese python into Mark’s house. Fortunately, the only victim was a three-foot high stuffed pig.

We’ve also been receiving a lot of questions with respect to certain claims that are being made about the band Wang Chung on the Smells Like Yukon website. The most frequent question–we’re not sure why–relates to the high note that the band’s leader singer, Mr. Wang Chung, hits at about the 2:33 mark of the Youtube video shot at the Yukon Convention Centre back in April.

At any rate, we’re eager to set the record straight. The answer to the question is a resounding “yes:” Mark is just off camera, squeezing the singer’s dong. Oh, the things he’ll do for “art”…

Why the long silence? Let us tell you a story. Don’t worry, it’s a short one.

On April 28, we went to bed. When we woke up 10 hours later, it was suddenly October 29.

Only in the Yukon.

Returning to the office after a frigid, snow-flaky walk around downtown, we then found the following document in the mailbox:

When we realized that this handy guide, delivered right to your door and ours by the Yukon government, hadn’t been updated to reflect the hard work that Jesse and Mark put into last year’s final segment “Summer 911″, we couldn’t believe it. How ironic, we thought, that this slim and incomplete volume would arrive on a day when it seemed Yukoners might not get to enjoy a spring, let alone a summer. Suddenly, we knew the Flog’s dormancy was about to end.

So, if you’re at all concerned about your preparedness for a REAL and IMMEDIATE emergency situation (i.e. the strong possibility of missing summer) as opposed to some unlikely disaster of more Biblical proportions, we strongly suggest you waste no time in recycling your government propoganda and turn instead to the helpful advice of Smells Like Yukon.

In other news, Mark and Jesse will be producing three new segments to complete the current season of Smells Like Yukon. Stay tuned for news about the broadcast dates, as well as details of Mark’s disturbing rejection of all personal hygiene during the recent renovation of his home.

As it turns out, there was a mix up in the airing of the most recent Smells Like Yukon segment on December 5. Instead of hearing a scandalous tale about bred-in-the-bone Yukoners, you heard a couple of almost-grown men playing Asteroids in a basement.
As you may have guessed, Mark emerged from the safehouse last night. Since then, he has managed to furnish enough information to update the Smells Like Yukon website with information about segment #12 and a video for Behind-the-Sounds. Sadly, we suspect that Mark’s time in hiding has had a detrimental effect on his mind because the first thing he did upon return to Whitehorse was attend a seminar to help newcomers “survive” a winter in the Yukon. And on top of that, he refused to settle on a single, pithy title for the segment–which is not like him at all.

The upside of Mark’s experience on the run is that Salman Rushdie has agreed to work with him as an executive coach.

Somewhere in the Smells Like Yukon universe, a cool cat named Chairman Meow better double up on his or her serving of Tender Vittles. It’s going to take some serious head scratching for Mr. Meow to come up with more timely or captivating captions than the following entries submitted to Caption Contest #10 by another contender last night:

“Worried about what anti-sled-dog extremists might think, Murray Lundberg begins to walk his dog with him wherever he goes.”

“After setting the world record for the longest snowmobile ramp jump, Ross Mercer decides to celebrate by purchasing a new toboggan for his legless dog, Bombardier.”

However, we are deeply saddened to report that the individual who submitted these captions also prefaced them with this observation: “A great picture for the caption contest. I bet framed copies would sell well at the Gallery of the Midnight Sun or YAAW.” We at Smells Like Yukon, like many of you who smell like Yukon, find this remark highly insulting to the Yukon arts community. For the record, it is NOT our policy to poke fun at the Yukon’s cultural sector

Turning once again to verbally fluff our latest contestant, we’re pleased to certify that these entries we’re received before news leaked that Smells Like Yukon co-star Mark Koepke was considering augmenting the contest’s long-standing stupid prize with the even stupider bonus prize of the 1985 Subaru GL parked in his driveway. If Mark does decide to step up, it shouldn’t cost the winner more than about $75 to have it towed.

Keep your entries coming. But, please–make sure you also spare some time for the Subvert Smells Like Yukon Alternative Gameswear Where? Gallery. Your unelected officials are counting on you.