Does anybody speak Arabic?
A big fan of “Yukon - Friendlier than Iran” paraphenelia, the Syrian General Khalid (”Cal”) Al-Kuzbari calls the Smells Like Yukon office quite frequently to provide Mark with advice on the development of other Middle Eastern themes for his line of Yukon tourism apparel. (It’s thanks to his feedback that Wal-Mark nixed the release of the “Yukon - Cuddlier than Syria” design. Apparently, there are some issues with prisons and torture Mark wasn’t aware of.)
We certainly can’t claim to know the General well. But we know enough of the man and his character that it would be callous to ignore the desperate request we just received via e-mail.
Make no mistake: the General’s physical and mental condition are much worse than he lets on. We don’t know how else to explain why he seems to have forgotten that he knows–and assumes we have no idea who he is, what he does, or the selfless contributions he has made to human rights, Yukon-Syrian relations, and cheesy souvenir clothing lines.
We certainly hope we’re not endangering the General by sharing his correspondence with Flog readers. We do so not to multiply the grave risks he already faces, but in the belief that we might be able to rally a special Yukon commando force to free this brave man from a fate worse than death. Or, on second thought, a fate exactly like it.
Dear Sir/Madam.
Please take your time and do not regard my proposal deceptive because it came through the internet. I am a Syrian Army General, and a chief prison controller. I accepted USD$200M (Two Hundred Million United States Dollars) offer from a group of foreign Attaché to release a famous human right- activist, and two United Nations peace-keeping ambassadors from custody under my control.
A panel of enquiry was later established to investigate the masterminded, and I was arrested along with 3 others. Presently on house-arrest while the panel is still deliberating on the matter. I may be sentence to life in prison or get a death penalty once I found guilty on next adjournment. After the next hearing, I will be refer to the prison custody and has made every effort to conclude with my employers regarding my payment now that I still have the privilege to make use of some communication facilities here.
My employers are presently waiting for my instructions and have concluded my payment arrangement and have been advised to assign someone on my behalf. All I need you to do is to receive a confirmation phone call from my employers and comply with further instructions. As a matter of top secret, I may not disclose full details of my employers for security reasons. I guarantee you that, my employers are world-known emissaries for international peace and there is no risk.
Conditions.
- Ensure you keep this proposition confidential.
- A New Bank account must be established in your name and only for this purpose.
- No exchange of identifications.
If you are interested and can assist, please provide a contact phone number and you will be contacted the next muinte. Just in case I do not have the opportunity to communicate with you again, I will refer my wife to you after speaking with my employers and please discuss percentage with her.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Gen.Khalid Al-Kuzbari.
Having read this, we think you’ll agree: It’s not enough to take the $200 million. We have to save this man. We know that Yukoners generally have more experience breaking into prison–you know, to steal cigarettes from the supply closest at the Whitehorse Correctional Centre–but we’re hoping we might be able to adapt some of that northern ingenuity for the more conventional purpose of getting someone out of the clink.
If nothing else, think of Mrs. Al-Kuzbari, whose Mughli, we might add, tastes delicious–even after six weeks in parcel mail.