Smells Like Yukon Flog

The Smells Like Yukon organization is in shock upon hearing the news (rumour?) on CBC this morning that Canadian fiddler Ashley MacIsaac will no longer be headlining this summer’s Atlin Arts & Music Festival. We’d been planning to announce some exciting news, but MacIsaac’s cancellation has killed that opportunity–and put the very solvency of Smells Like Yukon in doubt.

We should probably explain.

As you may or may not have noticed, we’ve been a little slow to roll-out new products for our online store. In fact, it’s been pretty much just the same two products since day one. But all that was going to change–thanks to the now-moot announcement, some months ago, that Ashley was coming to this neck of the woods. The thought of Ashley’s appearance had us really wondering how the fiddler’s notorious behaviour and, uh, interests, might change the atmosphere of the usually family-oriented festival–and how we might be able to make a buck or two. After a few product development meetings, we had our million dollar idea.

Now, if you’ve ever been to a northern music festival, you know it’s bad enough having to brave the overflowing Porta Potties. But it would be an entirely different sort of discomfort to spend the weekend in clothes soaked with urine–especially when it’s not your own. While there’s no direct evidence that MacIsaac has ever urinated on an audience, his related fetish has been pretty widely documented. He’s also been famously known to “go commando” beneath that kilt. So, you put one and one together and… you’d have been crazy to set foot in the Atlin festival grounds without your very own Smells Like Yukon Urine Poncho.

We’ve already placed–and paid for–an order for 2,000 of these specialty garments with an American supplier and we were busy getting geared up for a major marketing campaign over the next month. Now, we’re stuck with this huge inventory (1,950 in the “regular” version, plus another 50 of a “Superfan” version with a giant yellow bullseye) and the possibility of taking a major bath, financially-speaking.

Rather than writing up a glowing news release to herald our product launch, we suddenly find ourselves scrambling to unload a lot of merchandise. We’d love to find an alternative use / market that would allow us to offload the order in bulk and hopefully turn a profit or at least break even, so if you have any ideas, we’d like to hear them. Failing that, you can look forward to a firesale later this month.

Well, the sun is setting on Zola’s Cafe Dore on Whitehorse’s main drag–and by that, we mean Main Street, not that little strip of road that runs between Ricky’s and the Chilkoot Centre.

As the local CBC reported this week, the popular coffee shop–which was only opened a few years ago–has succumbed to increased competition in the downtown area and will close at the end of the month. By our calculations, that’s tomorrow.

In an interview on A New Day, cafe owner and renowned coffee roaster Zola Dore (sorry, we can’t be bothered with those little Frenchy accent things) didn’t single out a certain well-known chain store as the culprit, but Smells Like Yukon could certainly listen between the lines.

As far back as 2005, Mark and Jesse could see there was just no way Zola’s could continue to compete with Envirolube, where they offer free coffee in the waiting room. As you might have heard in the first radio story he ever worked on, Mark has always maintained that the best coffee in town comes as a side dish with a quick oil change. And now, he has clearly been vindicated.

With this in mind, we suggest that the other Main Street-area coffee shops–Baked, Starbucks, Tim Hortons, Chocolate Claim and Java Connection–had better smarten up and finally take this Envirolube threat seriously. Ignore its coffee at your peril.

But, much like the java at Envirolube, this moral victory is bittersweet for Mark. Zola’s coffee was pretty good, too, and even he’s going to miss it.

Our friends at Google have just informed us that someone in Yellowknife has been searching for “cbc inuvik colonoscopy.” How it happened, we’re not sure–but this person must have been bummed out when he or she arrived at the Smells Like Yukon website and found no relevant information.

We’re not medical experts, nor are we advice columnists, but we’re guessing our recent visitor would have better luck searching with a term like “hospital inuvik colonoscopy” or “doctor inuvik colonoscopy” or even “back alley inuvik colonoscopy.” We know that budget cutbacks have forced CBC North to get creative, but we’re pretty sure it hasn’t resorted to fee-for-service colonoscopies to earn extra revenue.

Whoever you are, we hope your search meets a happy end–and that you eventually get to the bottom of whatever ails you.

Two days after the airing of the controversial “New & Improved” radio segment, the repercussions are still being felt. CBC Yukon’s Roch Shannon Fraser is humbled and contrite. CBC China’s Anthony Germain is accusing us of stealing his schtick. CBC Go’s Brent Bambury has asked us to stop dropping his name. And, just yesterday, one angry local listener released a 16-foot Burmese python into Mark’s house. Fortunately, the only victim was a three-foot high stuffed pig.

We’ve also been receiving a lot of questions with respect to certain claims that are being made about the band Wang Chung on the Smells Like Yukon website. The most frequent question–we’re not sure why–relates to the high note that the band’s leader singer, Mr. Wang Chung, hits at about the 2:33 mark of the Youtube video shot at the Yukon Convention Centre back in April.

At any rate, we’re eager to set the record straight. The answer to the question is a resounding “yes:” Mark is just off camera, squeezing the singer’s dong. Oh, the things he’ll do for “art”…

You may recall that the Smells Like Yukon website caused quite a stir last summer when it claimed to have video footage of three starving grizzly bears attacking the Flying Pisces Mobile Bistro (otherwise known as a fish and chip stand), which is located on the Whitehorse waterfront between the White Pass train station and the Old Fire Hall. As we explained in a series of sincere apologies, technical difficulties prevented visitors from actually viewing the video.

We’re now sad to report that, over the winter, Mark left a bag of his stupid fridge magnets next to the source tape and, well… no more source tape. The worst part is, we were right on the verge of solving the technical glitch.

Since we’ll never be able to make good on our original promise to show you the old footage, we’ve decided that we’ll do everything in our power to obtain new footage of a grizzly attack on the Flying Pisces–though we’ll tell you right now, we doubt it could ever be as terrifying, funny and ultimately heart-breaking as the imagery that is now lost to us forever. Oh well.

The Flying Pisces has now been open for nine days and, sadly, there has been no sign of any bears in the vicinity, let alone inside the trailer. As a Yukon summer hopefully materializes and progresses, you can look forward to frequent updates about our very own “Grizzly Project.” And if we don’t have some film to show you over the coming months, we’ll at least offer a time lapse series of Mark’s ass ballooning under the regular influence of the extra-large halibut breaded in spicy cajun.

If you heard this morning’s segment “New & Improved” on CBC, you probably also heard the on-air banter between host Sandi Coleman, Roch Shannon Fraser and Elyn Jones about some Polaroid photographs which, in the story, Jesse and Mark alluded to possess. No doubt, listeners assumed–as did Sandi and Elyn–that the Polaroids were of A New Day producer Arnold Hedstrom, whose desire to keep them out of the public eye explains his continued support for Smells Like Yukon.

Did you notice, though, how Roch seemed particularly uncomfortable with the discussion? Almost like he knew something the other two didn’t?

The truth is, Mark and Jesse don’t have any incriminating photos of Arnold. And Roch, alone among those in the studio this morning, understood this fact all too well. Even though we made a deal with Arnold to shield a member of his on-air team from unwanted scrutiny, we can’t sit idly by while an extremely loyal indvidual–someone who would go to almost any lengths to protect a co-worker, including commissioning new episodes of Smells Like Yukon–has his reputation sullied on the public airwaves. Which is why we’ve decided to release a grainy black and white sample of the images at the centre of today’s controversy.

There are two things you need to know about Roch Shannon Fraser in order to put this photo into the proper context. First, he hasn’t aged a day since he graduated high school. In that sense, he’s kind of like Dick Clark, assuming Dick Clark is still alive. (Is Dick Clark still alive?) The second thing you need to know is that, before Roch met his lovely wife, he went through a pretty rough dating patch.

Enough said. We think this photo of Roch and his prom date speaks for itself.

After more than two months off the air, Smells Like Yukon returned this morning with the first of three segments to complete the current season. As usual, you’ll find details about this morning’s story “New & Improved” in the Segment Guide. If that’s not enough, you can read more on the segment’s Behind the Sounds page, which includes the script, three outtakes and almost no additional information with any redeeming value.

On the other hand, we strongly encourage you to participate in our new online poll. For the first time ever, it may have a practical application.

A new caption contest will be posted later in the week. We’ll actually have some prizes for this one.

Lastly, set your alarms for June 4 and 18. Those are the dates when the final two segments of Smells Like Yukon are scheduled to air on CBC. Production is currently underway.

What does a lowly radio series have to do in order to get some press around this territory?

First, our very own local entertainment rag What’s Up Yukon rejects all twelve of Mark’s series-related column pitches, including one called “What’s Smelling Up Yukon.” Then the Yukon News refuses to run a fluffly human interesty type story about the groundbreaking reporting the series has done over the last two seasons. And now, a local animal rights activist has written a stinging letter to the Whitehorse Star (Friday, May 16, 2008) about CBC’s coverage of the Yukon Quest–with nary a mention of Smells Like Yukon.

What’s up with that?

We may be biased, but in our humble opinion, no one has done more to abuse sled dogs than Smells Like Yukon. We’ve been picking on that malamute husky on the Yukon’s Coat of Arms for over one year and in no less than two segments of the radio series. What do we have to do to get some recognition around here–another year, and another segment? We’ll do it, if you make us.

While we’re at it, we’d also like to register our formal displeasure that, for the last 15 months, Smells Like Yukon has been competely ignored by the comic strip Doonesbury.

But we do have some good news, as well. It appears in the form of an ad published in the same issue of the Whitehorse Star as Mike Grieco’s letter.

For obvious reasons, Mark is extremely relieved that someone is finally taking a stand for the defense of Yukon “pests.”

Suppose for a moment that someone told you “Smells Like Yukon? Don’t hold your breath for another installment this season.” And suppose you didn’t listen. Well, now would be a good time to exhale. If you sustained any brain damage thanks to this exercise, all the better to enjoy what’s coming at you.

A new segment is finally scheduled to air on CBC Yukon tomorrow–Wednesday, May 21–sometime between 7:00 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. PST. If necessary, you can use the link on the Smells Like Yukon homepage to hear the segment live on CBC’s internet radio. Of course, none of the above applies in the event that the CBC producer actually forgets to air the segment. Or moves the time. It’s happened before.

We won’t bore you with a lot of details about the new segment. If we must, we’d rather bore you with the segment itself. Suffice to say, your enjoyment of, or disdain for, the new piece will be greatly enhanced if you are familiar with the following previous Smells Like Yukon segments: this one, this other one, that one–oh, and that one, too. If reading about these segments isn’t enough, you can always listen to them by joining the exclusive Smells Like Yukon Members Club. Your appreciation of the upcoming segment might be enhanced, as well, if you know anything about Vietnam or are a fan of bad music from the 80s or 90s.

As usual, the official Smells Like Yukon website will be updated with new content over the coming week. Online features include music details, audio outtakes, behind the sounds gossip, a public opinion poll, and our regular caption contest.

After much deliberation and no assistance whatsoever for the Flog’s readership, we have finally attached a winning caption to the photo of those corpses in army uniforms smoking outside Whitehorse General Hospital.

Since none of the entries we received made reference to the lethal smoking in the image AND captured the essential “Yukon-ness” we look for in an unforgettable image/caption combination, we were faced with a choice between our two unwritten criteria. In the end, our hearts told us to choose the caption with the most “Yukon-ness.”

After the judging, we shared a couple of smokes and a few good laughs over the whole affair, thanks to the pack left over from Mark and Jesse’s research for last year’s “Being Smokers” segment.